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Relations v. Relationship: Getting from Great Sex to Great Mate

It was a little after midnight and the only things opening were club doors and my legs.  My point of interest was on his way out the door and I couldn’t help but feel a little empty.  Although very full of excitement and lust I still longed for him to stay.  I never could figure out how we got to the point of pass and go.  More importantly I couldn’t figure out for the life of me how I let my heart get involved enough to care.  This clearly wasn’t supposed to be a feeling thing.  Yet every time I saw him walk out that door a piece of me would follow with him.

“Point of Interest” was a sweet and caring man.  After a terrible past relationship he put his cool on and never really allowed anyone to get too close.  We started as great friends with lots in common.  We both were hopeless romantics who were too fearful to take the first step.  His occupation as a nightlife boss fit in perfectly with my freelance hours of an entertainment writer.  We respected each others ambition and that in itself was rare.  Eventually when I decided to take “POI” up on his offer for a business meeting to discuss his new venture I didn’t think it would turn into anything more.  But it did. We found ourselves going on date after date.  Each one building feelings that we never anticipated forming.


The biggest issue was that ultimately neither one of us had the guts to take things to the next level so we remained uncomfortable.  Somewhere between friends with benefits and friends with feelings I proposed a break.  Although we weren’t together I felt that putting space there would show him my worth.  Big mistake! On the flip-side “POI” already knew my worth and as a “love lost” man he needed for me to be assertive enough to make it known.  Instead of telling “POI” my true feelings I made it seem as if his presence was only needed for my pleasure.  My defense mechanism was to show as little feeling as possible. Thus making him feel that I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. Which in turn was totally opposite of what I wanted.

After a limited liability relationship with two men that didn’t work I  found myself reconnecting with “POI”.  I ran into him at an engagement party and without any stress of commitment we found ourselves doing the naked tango and falling right back into our scheduled routine.  Eventually I decided to ask him if he would be open to dating exclusively.  He explained that while his feelings for me were strong he too had began dating someone and was unable to commit to me because he was hurt that I left him and dated other men. By moving on so quickly without telling him my feelings it sent him a silent confirmation that I was unable to commit to him. This made it hard for him to trust me.

When evolving relations to relationships one must keep the area black or white.  Don’t be afraid to stand assertive in your feelings. You know when a connection between you and a “POI” is stronger than the obvious “do me” phase. Don’t let fear stop you from putting yourself out there.  The consequence of you holding onto your feelings just might cost you a really amazing love story. At some point the feeling of sexual connection won’t be enough to feed your soul, and that is a main course you don’t want to skip.

Ironically the night I met my fiancé I ran into “POI” we acknowledged each other but I didn’t anticipate more.  I closed that chapter because the clarity that was lacking finally came into play.  It was when I fully understood the importance of loving without fear that I was able to meet and appreciate my soul mate. Unlike my last relations situation with “POI” I put my heart out there and although the timing wasn’t ideal I did get the commitment I was looking for. I asked my fiancé how it felt when I told him my feelings first.  He said he was relieved because he felt the same way too but was fearful of rejection.

You see ladies, in order to open the door you must first knock. Often times a man needs a woman who gives him affirmation that if he steps out on faith you’ll be there to meet him at the opposite side of his leap. Remember to always love with purpose, love with understanding and most importantly to love without limitation!

From the heart of Ebony S. Garris