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Detaching Your Heart From Someone Whose Already Attached

(Photo Credit: Annick Bouvattier)

Phone call after phone call came through my phone. Text after text and then finally the confirmation. As I socially fucked myself via Facebook there it was. The once love of my life was getting hitched. Although I put on a strong face for my friends I was crushed. I cried for about two days. I thought bout all of the good times we shared. I thought about all the bad times. Then I thought about how I couldn’t see my heart ever opening up again. Sure it was my idea to leave and yes it was my hand who declined his call every time he tried to call and make it right.


In my mind I felt that what was meant to be would always work itself out. Yet in this instance I was getting a major dose of reality. I was currently dating but nothing serious. I just couldn’t seem to commit to any of the men that I was dating. I always found something wrong that I couldn’t accept. Then finally it hit me. I was still attached to my ex who was now legally attached to someone else. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that I was over him I really wasn’t. When you give yourself unto someone fully without reservation it’s hard to reserve yourself back.

Looking at our relationship I made a ton of sacrifices that he objected to. Yet I still did it. I had so many moments of what ifs. Wondering how things might have been different if I focused more on my dreams rather than helping to support his. Would I have less resentments, less demands of him? Would we still be together? Would it have been me walking down that aisle and into marital bliss instead of her? I beat myself up about it. My heart was so broken I didn’t see myself being able to put it back together.

After I spent months having a pity party I finally got my shit together. I realized that I deserved to be happy. The only way to get my happy back was by being happy with who I was. That meant accepting mistakes from my past, accepting my failed relationship and being optimistic that there was someone out there for me better than my ex. The only way I was going to find him was by becoming a better woman. I had to detach myself from my past to build a solid future.

The first step was erasing every memory I had of him that would cause me to second guess my current situation, Anything we bought together I sold. Any number or email I had listed for him I deleted (although I remembered them by heart I tried my best to forget).  More importantly I stopped trying to find a replacement. The hardest part of detaching is reattaching. You find yourself cautious and over thinking everything to avoid hurt.


The true testament to starting over is giving yourself a clean slate. In order to regain love you have to give yourself freely. In order to do that you must free yourself of anything attaching you to a faulty past. While what you leave behind might entail a piece of yourself remember that detaching or letting go of something isn’t the end of the world, its the beginning of a new life.

From the heart of Ebony S. Garris